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Before you marry a person you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are.- Funny
Capitalization can really change a sentence.
I love to eat candy.
I love to eat capitalization.
I'm really good at chocolate.- Funny
I’ll never forget where I was the day I first planted a tree in my garden.- Funny
No thanks love and marriage, I can destroy my own life.- Funny
Old people are never cuter than when they send you a text message from their phone but still sign their name at the end- Funny
The only thing that gets turned on when I get naked is the shower.- Funny
He died doing what he loved: eating too much raw cookie dough.- Funny
Who remembers going on the computer just to go on paint and space pinball?- Funny
All my friends are getting jobs, engaged, or married. I'm just getting more awesome.- Funny
My body is a temple and sometimes my temple wants pizza for breakfast.- Funny
Just spelled "defibrillator" correctly on the first attempt. 7:28AM and I feel like I've already peaked for the day. That's a wrap!- Funny
Karma - The joy of watching someone get what they deserve.
Professionalism - The ability to sit back, enjoy the show & keep your mouth shut.
I always carry a small mirror for those frequent occasions when people ask me what my problem is.- Funny
It's late, I'm half asleep or delirious, but I could eat and go for a full course meal right now.- Funny
My long term goal is to improve on my short term memory. My short term goal is to remember what my long term goals are.- Funny
That awkward moment when you're trying to explain a song but you don't wanna sing it.- Funny
There's nothing worse than being horny at the wrong time.- Funny
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains.Great news for stupid people.- Funny
Adulthood means never having to hear someone tell you that guacamole isn't an acceptable breakfast food.- Funny
I don’t understand you. You don’t understand me.
What else do we have in common?
The Jewish Easter bunny is just like the regular Easter bunny except he's circumcised.
✔ Doesn't matter, I’m awesome.
They made a normal average Barbie! She comes with massive student loan debt and jeans that only fit 5 days a month.- Funny
I use to have a monster under my bed. Now I sleep under his.- Funny